


Without You I'll Be Miserable At Best

by planetzorb



Category: Sala Samobójców | Suicide Room (2011)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bullying, Coming of Age, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Slight America Bashing, Song fic, Suicide Attempt, Sylwia is a manipulative shrew, They both need therapy, Time Skips, dorks realising they're in love, kind of, lots of making out, no sex scenes (sorry) but it's heavily implied, sorry yanks, use of the f-slur
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:27:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 10,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27556057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/planetzorb/pseuds/planetzorb
Summary: Dominik is on a path to self-destruction. Aleks's life is not as perfect as it seems. They both need each other if they're going to survive.
Relationships: Aleksander Lubomirski/Dominik Santorski
Comments: 4
Kudos: 18





	1. Bleed Like Me

**Author's Note:**

> So I watched Suicide Room and was mad that Aleks and Dominik's relationship wasn't explored more. So here's my much-gayer version of events. Enjoy! :)
> 
> Note: the self harm in this fic is quite graphic so please be careful if you are triggered by that sort of thing (the worst of it is in the first chapter, so skip it if you need).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Hey baby can you bleed like me? ___  
> — Bleed Like Me by Garbage

Worthless. Loser. Unloveable.

Dominik turned his music up even louder. He positioned the blade at its most deadly angle. Worthless. Loser. The adrenaline surged as he watched the blood flow from his arm, cleansing, purifying; he deserved this. Lost in the haze of adrenaline and self-hatred, Dominik didn’t hear the bathroom door open.

‘Dominik? You in here? Mrs Hansdorf wants to know why you’re not in class,’ a teenage boy’s voice echoed through the bathroom. Dominik took out an earbud. Shit. Was that Aleks voice?

‘C’mon you emo twat, I know you’re in here. Time to stop crying like a twelve-year-old girl and come back to class.’

‘Just fuck off and leave me alone, ok?’ Dominik yelled back. He heard Aleks’s footfalls coming closer.

‘Wow, sensitive much?’

‘Want me to pass that lovely sentiment along to Mrs H or…’ Aleks’s voice trailed off as he reached Dominik’s stall. Shit. He had dripped blood on the floor.

‘Shit, Dominik, what have you done?’ Dominik grabbed some toilet paper and tried to stop the bleeding. He felt panic grip his throat. Aleks was going to tell everyone. Then they would all know how truly pathetic he was. He could hear Aleks pacing up and down the small bathroom.

‘Please, just go,’ Dominik choked out.

‘I’m going to get the school nurse,’ Aleks’s voice sounded almost as shaky as Dominik felt.

‘I’m fine, really. If you call the nurse they’ll tell my parents and it’ll only make everything worse. Please. Just leave and forget this ever happened.’

‘Fucking hell, Dominik! I’m not just going to leave you here to bleed out. I don’t want that shit on my conscience.’

Dominik added more toilet paper to his makeshift bandage.

‘Look, I won’t tell the nurse, ok? Just open the door. I did first aid in year ten, maybe I can help.’ A pause, then, ‘I got an A+ you know.’

Dominik wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. This situation couldn’t get much worse so… fuck it. Why not. He unlatched the lock on his stall. Aleks opened the door and stared at him.

‘This looks pretty fucked-up,’ he said, paling a little.

‘Didn’t you just say you got an A+ in first aid?’ Dominik shot back. Aleks smiled a little.

‘Good to know you’re still a bratty bastard,’ he said, trying to hold back a grin.

Aleks signalled for him to wait while he checked that no-one else was coming into the bathroom before locking the door.

‘Ok, we’re safe. Really don’t want anyone walking in on this,’ Aleks said, grabbing some paper towel and running it under the tap. Dominik hesitantly exited the stall and propped himself up on the sink counter. Aleks gently removed the toilet paper and winced.

‘Does it hurt?’

Dominik gave him a look.

‘Oh, right.’ He pressed the wet paper towel on the wounds, eliciting a hiss of pain from Dominik. It stung but the coolness was a welcome relief on his skin. Aleks ignored him and continued cleaning the wounds as best he could. They stayed like that for a few minutes, silent except for Dominik’s involuntary grunts and hisses when Aleks pressed too hard. The blood flow seemed to be stopping.

‘You don’t happen to have a bandage on you, do you?’ Aleks asked. Dominik shook his head.

‘OK, hold the paper towel there while I try and find some,’ he said.

‘Wait, where are you going?’ Dominik asked, as Aleks unlocked the door.

‘What, you’ve never broken into the nurse’s office before?’ He shot him a grin before disappearing into the hall. Dominik shut himself back into a stall, just in case. He ran over the events of the past ten minutes. Aleks was being decent to him. Why? So he could feel less guilty when he inevitably posts this mortifying exchange on Facebook for everyone to see?

He got a new roll of toilet paper and wrapped it around his arm. He let the lingering sting on the cuts distract him from his thoughts. Pain never lied. Pain was simple, clean, honest. He could trust pain.

A few minutes passed and he heard someone come into the bathroom. He stayed silent and hoped they’d leave quickly. Thankfully, they did. The longer Aleks was gone, the more Dominik was convinced this was some kind of prank. Maybe he was just going to leave Dominik here to bleed while he told all his friends what was happening. Maybe he was going to bring his little gang to come harass him. He put his headphones back in and turned the volume way up. Two more minutes and then he was getting the hell out of here.

He jumped a little as someone banged on his stall. His heart was racing as he hesitatingly removed an earbud.

‘Dominik? I got some bandages. You better not be fucking up my hard work,’ Aleks said. Dominik let out a sigh of relief. It was just him. He came out of the stall and resumed his spot on the counter. Aleks ripped open a packet of absorbent wound pads and placed them on the boy’s arm.

‘Hold these here,’ he said. Dominik complied. Aleks gently (god, so gently!) took his arm and began to bandage, starting from the wrist and working methodically upwards. They were silent, but somehow it was a comfortable silence. Dominik forced himself to break it.

‘Why are you being so nice to me?’ he asked, quiet.

Aleks paused his motions for a moment.

‘I didn’t mean for that post to blow up like it did,’ he said. He continued wrapping, reaching the end of the bandage and applying the metal clip. He held onto Dominik’s arm for a little longer than strictly necessary, inspecting his handiwork.

‘I thought you hated me,’ Dominik said, even quieter now. He stared at the tiled floor. Aleks dropped his arm and jumped up on the counter next to him. He let out a deep breath.

‘I was freaked out, ok? I thought we were just having a bit of fun. I didn’t think you were…’

‘A fag?’ Dominik completed helpfully. Aleks winced.

‘Did I really call you that?’ he asked, looking up. Dominik didn’t trust himself to respond without biting his head off, so he didn’t.

‘It’s just that… I’m not gay, ok? I have a girlfriend, and that night was just a once-off, drunken-’

‘It’s fine,’ Dominik interrupted quickly. ‘Just forget about it.’

‘Forget about everything.’ he added, slipping off the counter and heading towards the door.

He paused a moment before leaving and turned around to face Aleks.

‘Thanks for…’ he gestured to his (now covered) arm. Aleks shrugged.

‘It was nothing.’

Dominik left, walking the empty hallways and trying to hold on to the feeling of being cared for. Even if it was just for a few minutes in a dingy high school bathroom. He wanted to live in that feeling – God knows it would never happen again.


	2. Blissth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _You'll always be like a nightmare to me  
>  And I'll always be begging for sleep _  
> — Blissth by Sorority Noise__

A few days later, Dominik was walking home from school when he sensed that someone was following him. He turned around, a nasty comment on his lips. It was Aleks. He scowled.

‘What do you want?’ he asked, crossing his arms across his chest.

Aleks’s face fell a little.

‘No need to be so defensive, freak’ he said. Dominik was preparing to say something cruel in response when he saw the playful smile on his crush’s lips. He held his tongue.

‘Just wanted to see how you were,’ he said. Dominik gave him the finger.

‘Like you give a shit.’ He turned around and picked up the pace, so Aleks had to jog a little to keep up.

‘Need I remind you who demonstrated their excellent first aid skills on your emo self? Just wanted to check in on my patient. Wouldn’t want a lawsuit coming my way if something got infected.

Dominik stopped and faced Aleks.

‘How about this: you piss off and stop pretending we’re friends.’

Dominik tried to avoid Aleks for the next few days. Which was actually quite hard, as they had nearly every class together.

It was almost the end of the day and he was struggling to concentrate on his history teacher’s lecture. Something about a battle between Britain and France. He just wanted to be alone. He got up and excused himself to the bathroom. He needed a few minutres of peace.

He put on his favourite playlist, and before he knew it, he’d been playing snake on his phone in the bathroom for almost ten minutes. He was psyching himself up to get back to class when the bathroom door slammed open.

‘Dominik? I swear to God if you’re…’

Dominik came out from the stall he’d been chilling in, fixing Aleks with an icy stare. Aleks glanced downwards at sleeve.

‘I thought…’ he started weakly. He looked quite pale, actually. Dominik rolled his eyes, going to push past, but Aleks stopped him.

‘Move, asshole,’ Dominik said through gritted teeth.

‘Why are you still avoiding me?’ Aleks asked.

‘Thought that was pretty clear,’ Dominik said. Aleks frowned.

‘Is this about the Facebook thing still? Because I said I was sorry.’

Dominik clenched and unclenched his fists. Breathe. Calming thoughts.

‘I like you, ok? And I’m avoiding you because you clearly don’t want anything to do with me. Let’s just leave it that way. Now move,’ he said, staring the blonde boy down. He tried to keep his face blank of emotion, only letting himself scowl slightly in annoyance. But Aleks wouldn’t move.

‘Just piss off,’ Dominik said, shoving him to the side.

‘You’re such a fucking prick,’ Aleks responded, pushing back.

Dominik shoved him against the bathroom wall, relishing the gasp of pain that came from his mouth. But Aleks was too quick. He grabbed him by the collar and spun him around, pinning him up against the wall, so close Dominik could smell his minty breath.

They stood there, breathing heavily, neither willing to let go. Dominik stared resolutely into Aleks’s eyes. Aleks softened his grip a little, bringing one of his hands up to trace along Dominik’s jaw. Dominik stayed perfectly still, afraid to move and break the moment. He stared at Aleks’s lips, remembered how it felt to kiss them, to run over them with his tongue… he could feel Aleks’s hot breath on his neck as he leaned in, could feel his lips softly graze his skin. Dominik couldn’t stand it any longer. He took Aleks’s face in his hands and kissed him, heady and desperate. Aleks opened his mouth and groaned, pushing himself closer. Dominik let out an involuntary gasp and Aleks bit his neck. Then Aleks stopped, went still.

‘Shit, I think someone’s coming,’ he said, quickly moving to the sinks and turning on a tap, washing his hands. Dominik slipped into a stall, not wanting to be caught with Aleks alone in a bathroom, a red spot on his neck and hair all messed up. There were enough rumours about them as it was. He heard someone come in and use the urinal. When he came out, Aleks was gone. Dominik put his headphones back in and tried to make sense of what just happened. Did Aleks like him, or was this just like that night at the party — hot, but fake?


	3. Scary Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Your love is scaring me  
>  No one has ever cared for me  
> As much as you do _  
> — Scary Love by The Neighbourhood__

For the rest of the week, Aleks avoided Dominik. He didn't try to talk to him after school anymore or even make eye contact when they were in class together. It was like Dominik had become a ghost.

Dominik checked Alek's Facebook for the tenth time as he sat alone in his room. No new posts. Somehow this was worse. Worse than the taunting. Worse than the insults. He was nothing now; no-one. He logged onto Suicide Room. At least Sylwia noticed him. When he was in the Suicide Room he was someone. He mattered. Even if it just to a group of depressed teenagers.

‘Hey,’ he posted in the chat. A couple of his online friends responded. He looked around for Sylwia and found her on a remote part of the virtual island.

‘Wanna call?’ he asked. Her avatar nodded. He opened up the in-game video chat and let out an exhausted sigh.

‘What happened?’ Sylwia asked. He explained what happened in the bathroom, and how Aleks was now ignoring him.

‘He's just using you,’ she said.

‘But… it felt like he really wanted it…’ he trailed off.

‘He didn't. He doesn't care about freaks like us. We're just playthings for normal people to use and then toss away. You shouldn't even bother thinking about him.’

Dominik felt the heaviness in his chest pressing further down.

‘You're right,’ he said, after a pause.

‘He would never have loved you. He only cares about himself, remember? Remember the horrible things he put on Facebook? He probably just wanted to get off, and you happened to be there.’

Dominik tried not to let himself cry.

‘What am I supposed to do with this pain?' He felt the hot tears spill from his eyes.

‘There's only one way out. You know that.’

He ran his fingers through his hair, giving out a shaky laugh.

‘Guess this is it, huh? No reason to keep going.’

Sylwia smiled. He felt something like relief. The only thing he was holding on for was gone. He could let go now.

He wouldn't be leaving anything behind. Nothing of worth. Nothing he cared about.

‘Dominik!’ his mother’s voice travelled up the stairs. Sywlia gave him a look.

‘What do you want?’ he yelled back.

‘Your friend is here!’

Friend?

‘Says his name is Aleks! Come down and say hi please!’ she called, an authoritative tone to her voice.

‘You’re not actually going down, are you?’ Sylwia asked. She had a cruel gleam in her eyes. Dominik looked away.

‘Talk to you later,’ he said, shutting the laptop. He tried to control his breathing as he shrugged on an oversized black jacket. He adjusted his fringe, pulled his hood up and left his room. He avoided eye contact with his mother.

‘Be back before ten, ok?’ she called out as he slammed the front door behind him. Aleks was leaning against his gate, shoulders tense and eyes fixed on the ground. He started walking towards the street, and Dominik followed him. They walked for a while in silence, Aleks leading him to an abandoned playground in a shadowy part of the neighbourhood.

Aleks threw himself down on a dilapidated chain swing. He looked up at Dominik, his eyes searching. Dominik refused to be the one to break the silence, waiting for Aleks to say whatever he brought him out here to say. Aleks seemed to be looking for the right words before he spoke.

‘You’ve ruined my life, you know,’ he said, his eyes fixed on Dominik.

‘I’m not listening to this shit,’ Dominik gritted out, turning away.

‘Wait! Fuck. I’m not saying this right,’ Dominik turned around to see Aleks standing, expression wrecked and open. He’d never seen him like this; his cocky, self-assured smile gone, no more confident swagger. Dominik shoved his hands in his pockets and glared at him. Aleks took this as a cue to continue.

‘Just hear me out, ok? I’ve never done this before.’

Dominik kept his gaze steady.

‘Until we kissed that night, my life was going well. I was normal. I got good grades. I had the hottest girl in school on my arm. I was on track to making Dux, to taking over Father’s company…’ he paused to gather his thoughts.

‘But then… you happened. I couldn’t stop thinking about that stupid kiss. I couldn’t stop thinking about your dumb emo hair and your skinny jeans and the way it felt to be touched by you.’

Dominik was sure he’d stopped breathing. He didn’t dare look away.

Aleks kicked a can around with his shoe as he spoke next. His voice was quiet.

‘I didn’t think I’d fall in love,’ he almost whispered, staring resolutely at his shoes.

‘I didn’t want this. I didn’t want any of this,’ he said, looking up at Dominik with eyes desperate and pleading.

‘Please…’ he trailed off. Dominik moved hesitantly towards him, reaching out to take the other boy’s hand. He touched his cheek, gently, terrified that he’d scare him off. He pressed him forehead against Alek’s, taking in a shaky breath.

‘I can’t get hurt by you anymore,’ he whispered, hating the way his voice trembled.

‘Promise me you won’t hurt me.’

Aleks just kissed him, full of hurt and fear and passion. They got lost in each other’s arms, pushing and pulling and tumbling over playground equipment. They ended up on the ground, fumbling in the dark. Aleks cried out as Dominik bit his neck, kissing down his chest, unbuttoning his ridiculously overpriced white shirt. He put his knee between the blonde boy’s legs and was rewarded with a strangled moan.

Dominik leaned down to whisper in his ear.

‘Are you sure you want this?’

Aleks hooked his leg over the other boy’s and flipped him onto his back. Dominik took that as a yes. Aleks kissed him greedily, panting, like he was starved. Dominik bit his lip to keep from crying out.

‘This is filthy, you know,’ Dominik said between breaths. Aleks grinned.

‘I know.’

‘No I mean… literally filthy. You’re covered in dirt,’ Dominik said, unable to hold back a smile. Aleks laughed.

‘I was getting bored of this shirt anyway,’ he said, pulling it over his head. Dominik tried to remember to keep breathing.

‘Fuck you’re hot,’ he breathed. Aleks traced his hands lightly over the other boy’s ribs, causing him to shiver. Dominik tried to push his legs up, an involuntary whine escaping his lips as he tried to gain some friction. Aleks looked at him with a gleam in his eye, moving his hips ever so slightly as he straddled him. Dominik felt breathless, heady, too much heat and tension pushing him over the edge – he kissed Aleks like he was drowning, desperate and rough. Aleks kissed back, biting his lip, pushing his tongue into his open mouth, teeth clashing as Dominik smiled into the kiss.

Aleks looked over at the dark-haired boy lying next to him. They were both still trying to catch their breath, hearts racing as they looked up at the star-speckled sky.

Dominik snaked his fingers into Alek’s. He felt like that hand was the warm, stable centre of the universe. He drank in the night air, startling aware of a fact he hadn’t noticed in months: he was alive, and he was okay.

He turned to Aleks and smiled. Aleks brought his hand up to his lips and placed a soft kiss against his knuckles. They lay there as time beat slowly on, the hour marked only by a beep from Dominik’s watch, piercing the night like the chirrup of a insect.

‘I have to go,’ Dominik said, reluctantly retracting his hand. Aleks leaned over and kissed him one last time.

‘Okay.’

They both stood up and tried to brush off all the dirt and plant-matter from their clothes.

‘See you at school tomorrow?’ Dominik asked as they walked back to his house.

Aleks smiled.

‘I’ll pick you up at eight.’

Dominik said goodnight and slinked carefully back into his bedroom, avoiding contact with his parents. There was something warm and golden blooming in his chest.

He slept soundly for the first time in months.


	4. I'd Rather Drown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I never let people in, and I have you to remind me why ___  
> — I'd Rather Drown by Set It Off

For the next two weeks, Aleks picked up Dominik at his place almost every morning. When they were out of sight of Dominik’s parents, they would use the time to kiss each other hungrily, not able to get enough. They kept it secret at school, but occasionally Aleks would text him to meet him in obscure places in the school (bathrooms in rarely-used buildings, behind the sports centre, empty hallways, empty classrooms). Dominik hesitantly allowed himself to enjoy it. Scared at first that it was a momentary phase, he tried to make the most of every moment they were together, knowing that each clandestine meeting could be their last. It was only a matter of time before Aleks got sick of him.

And on the second Monday of June, it finally happened. Aleks hadn’t texted him all weekend. It’s not like they had long, rambling conversations over the phone but… this was unusual. Aleks always texted him stupid little things, sometimes about assignments, sometimes about the dream he had last night. Dominik had grown used to these inane messages; in fact, he looked forward to them. Every now and again he would get an ‘i miss u’. He had those saved.

Dominik waited in front of his house in the cold for almost half an hour before realizing the other boy wasn’t coming. He called his cell; no response.

‘Hey, it’s Dominik. Where are you? I thought you were picking me up today. Text me, ok?’ Dominik said at the tone, trying his best to sound nonchalant.

When he got to school he looked around for the other boy. When he couldn’t see him anywhere, he focused on getting all his crap out of his locker. It was almost the end of the school term, which meant he needed to clean out the slightly disgusting mess that was his school supplies. He reached into the back of his locker and felt his hand touch something round and sticky. Suppressing a grimace, he pulled it out. A rotten apple. He went to throw it in the bin when he caught sight of Aleks.

Aleks leaning back against his locker. Aleks being kissed by a girl with a small pretty waist and little kitten heels. He couldn’t tear his eyes away, the sticky apple falling out of his grasp.

‘Shit,’ he hissed under his breath. Some people passing laughed as his fumbled to pick up the offending object. He threw it in the bin with much more force than necessary, shooting another glance at Aleks. The girl was still attached to his face, apparently unable to get enough of the blond boy. Dominik felt sick, and this time it didn’t have anything to do with rotten fruit.

He grabbed a notebook for class and slammed his locker closed. This got Alek’s attention. For a brief moment their eyes met. Dominik couldn’t decode whatever look Aleks gave him before being dragged away by Slut No. 5. He turned on his heel and headed in the opposite direction, a horrible knot forming in his stomach that twisted and pulled until he could barely keep his hands from shaking. Of course Aleks got sick of him. Of course he wasn’t enough for him. He wasn’t enough for anyone. Hell, even _Dominik_ didn’t like Dominik – how was someone else supposed to? Aleks got to slum it a bit with the weird emo kid, but it was over now. He knew he never should have got his hopes up. He should’ve just stayed in his room that night Aleks came to his house.

He was so trapped in his thoughts that he didn’t notice where he was walking. He slammed straight into one of Aleks’s ‘friends’, causing the taller boy to drop his books.

‘Look where you’re going, faggot!’ the tall boy spat, picking up his books from the ground and shooting him a lethal glare. Too late did Dominik realise that the bell had already gone, and he was almost alone in the hallway with five upperclassmen who hated his guts. Dominik kept his eyes down and tried to get past, but they wouldn’t let him.

‘What kind of fringe is that?’ one of them jeered, ‘did you cut your hair blindfolded?’

‘No, no boys – he doesn’t cut his hair, remember?’ a larger boy said, ‘He cuts his wrists,’ eliciting a laugh from the others. Dominik bit his tongue to keep from retorting with something equally scathing. He looked up as they laughed and saw none other than the boy who only days before had been kissing him breathless. Aleks. He shot him a desperate look, but was met with cold, emotionless eyes.

‘I know… what if we took this stupid jacket away from the little emo boy… that way he won’t be able to hide those pathetic little chicken scratches from the rest of the school. How does that sound, pussy?’ The tall boy leaned right into his space as he said these words, giving Dominik the chance to knee him in the groin. The boy collapsed in on himself, face pale and eyes full of blind rage. Dominik sprinted in the opposite direction, trying to put as much distance between him and the others as possible. He got to the other side of the school, only slowing when he realized they weren’t chasing him. They must have decided he was too much effort to bully, and moved on to easier targets. Dominik clutched his chest, heart painful where it pulsed against his ribcage.

He stumbled into maths class and tried to pay attention, despite the anger and embarrassment searing under the surface of his skin, his eyes prickly as he forcibly held back tears. After a solid half-hour of attempting to concentrate, Dominik excused himself to the bathroom. His panic had gripped around the throat. All the events of the morning had finally hit him, the adrenaline worn off and replaced with a plunging depression. He could barely breathe, barely keep track of his own thoughts. He didn’t know how his feet got him there but somehow he was still standing. An empty pit had opened inside him and was threatening to swallow him whole.

He shut himself into an empty stall and unzipped the front pocket of his backpack, pulling out a small pencil-case that contained all his favourite weapons of self-destruction. He let himself give in to the darkness, a familiar pain stinging his skin.


	5. King For A Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _You told me think about it, well I did  
>  Now I don't wanna feel a thing anymore _  
> — King For A Day by Pierce The Veil__

That night, Dominik logged onto Suicide Room. He quickly called Slywia, needing to vent about his horrible day.

‘You should have listened to me,’ Sylwia said once he’d finished.

‘I know. You’re right, you’re always right,’ he said, hearing the defeat in his own voice. It didn’t matter. Nothing did.

‘How are you going to get back at him?’ Sylwia asked, a hard edge to her voice. Dominik thought of the gun in his father’s locked cabinet.

‘I don’t want to hurt him,’ he said quietly. Sylwia rolled her eyes.

‘He hurt _you_! Over and over again!’ she said, frustration breaking through her calm façade.

‘Are you going to let him keep doing this? Are you going to let him get away with it?’ He knew she was acting crazy. But he couldn’t deny how seductive her words were. Maybe it was time he stopped letting himself be stepped on. Maybe it was time to stand up for himself, to make someone else feel even a fraction of the pain he had to live with every day.

‘He deserves to be hurt,’ she said, a steely determination under her sickly-sweet voice. He let her keep talking, let her convince him to get his father’s gun, to put it in the bottom of his backpack and bring it to school tomorrow. She talked and talked until he couldn’t hear his own thoughts, lost in fantasies of revenge and divine retribution.

The next day at school Dominik kept his handgun in his pocket, stalking the halls and feeling like a god. He was finally untouchable. No-one could hurt him again.

When he saw Aleks’s gang loitering around the car park after school, he tightened his grip on the gun. He could end it now. He started pulling the gun out of his pocket, but as soon as he did he realized that he couldn’t do it. Hurting himself was one thing… killing his classmates was quite another. He hid it again, frustrated with how weak he was. He turned around just long enough to see Aleks’s face. He looked as bored and an unaffected as ever. Dominik jumped into the waiting taxi and tried to remember how the blond boy looked when he smiled.


	6. Screaming Infidelities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I'm missing your laugh  
>  How did it break?  
> And when did your eyes begin to look fake?  
> I hope you're as happy as you're pretending. _  
> — Screaming Infidelities by Dashboard Confessional__

It had been almost a week since Dominik had seen Aleks kissing that girl. He avoided him like the plague at school, going different routes to his classes every day to make sure he didn’t get caught by his little posse. However, he could only dodge him for so long.

‘You have to go, Dominik,’ his mother said to him sternly. She had his suit pressed and ready on the bed in front of him.

‘You can’t force me,’ Dominik said, knowing how petulant he sounded. His mother gave him a look. A look that said _I will make life very, very hard for you if you don’t turn up tonight._ He sighed.

‘Can we leave early?’ he asked. His mother just pointed to his suit.

‘Get dressed. You have ten minutes.’ He heard his door shut as he contemplated the black suit. It was boring, but so was staying at home in his room. He carefully put it on, trying to keep any creases from forming. He met his parents downstairs and prepared himself for the evening ahead. It seemed that his life was just one charity dinner after another. It made him dread the day he took a job at his father’s firm.

His opinion was only confirmed when they arrived at the function, everyone plastering on fake smiles and pretending to be interested in his life. He wished Aleks was by his side. They used to make fun of these things together.

Unfortunately, Dominik got his wish. Across the room from him was Aleks, looking unfairly gorgeous in a three-piece suit. His suit had tails. _Tails_.

‘There’s your friend Aleks! Let’s go say hi, shall we?’ His mother said pleasantly, appearing at his arm. Dominik tried to think of some excuse, but wasn’t quick enough. Before he knew it they were standing with Aleks’s family. He swore Aleks’s father gave him a dirty look, but it was gone by the time he looked again. Aleks avoided eye-contact, choosing instead to focus on the glass of Sherry in his hand.

‘Beata! You’re looking well!’ Aleks’s mum said, smiling. Dominik could sense the strain in her voice. The two exchanged pleasantries for a minute or so before a short, pretty brunette came up to Aleks and put her arm around his waist.

‘Why don’t you introduce your girlfriend, Aleksander?’ Aleks’s father said, a triumphant look in his eyes. Aleks smiled and showed her off, spinning some bullshit tale about how they met. Dominik’s parents ate it up. He felt like he was going to punch a wall.

‘Excuse me,’ he said quickly, removing himself before he said something he’d regret. He could hear the blood pumping in his ears, pain and anger slicing through him like a knife. He found an empty hallway in the sprawling mansion where the party was being held and leaned against the Art Nouveau wallpaper. So she wasn’t just some random chick. They were _dating._ Official.

‘Found you,’ Aleks said, sounding a little breathless. Dominik scowled at him.

‘I don’t have anything to say to people like you,’ Dominik said, not bothering to reel in his anger.

‘Please, just let me explain.’

‘There’s nothing to explain. You got bored of me. I get it – I would get bored of me too. Especially if I was a rich little spoiled kid with the attention span of a five-year old,’ Dominik said, brushing past the other boy. He dialled the number of his chauffer and held the phone to his ear.

‘Please Dominik! It’s not what you think-’ Aleks called out, but Dominik was already on the curb, a classy black sedan pulling up beside him. Dominik turned around and levelled him with a venomous stare.

‘Save your fucking speech for my funeral.’

He got into the car and slammed the door after him.

‘Where to, sir?’

‘Prozak 2.0 – Kraków.’ Dominik closed his eyes and looked forward to arriving at the nightclub. This was going to be his final night on this earth – might as well go out with a bang.


	7. Ghost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _And all I really wanted was someone to give a little fuck  
>  But I waited there forever and nobody even looked up _  
> — Ghost by Badflower__

Dominik was six drinks down and nowhere near stopping.

‘Another shot,’ he slurred at the bartender. The older man just lifted an eyebrow before pouring out the vodka.

‘Might wanna slow down there, kiddo,’ he said. Dominik flipped him off. The older man just chuckled.

‘Oh to be young and stupid again,’ he said with a smile. Dominik tuned him out and downed the next shot. The room was spinning. He tried to focus on the wall of drinks behind the bar, but it kept moving. He blinked a couple more times and reached his hand into his pocket. He could feel the outline of a pill bottle. That’s right… he had stopped by the house to grab it. His mum had tried to hide it in a high cabinet, but he knew all the secret spots in the house.

He stumbled to the bathroom and forced the cap open, almost cutting his hand in the process. The only other people in there were a straight couple grinding and moaning in the corner. He tried to focus on the pills in his hand. He put his head under the grimy tap in the sink and drank down the pills. It was only a matter of time before it was all over. All the pain, all the fear, all the humiliation. He felt horribly nauseous as he forced his way back to the bar, a burning sensation in his throat. The spinning got worse and worse. He felt like he was on some kind of sick carousel ride. The thought made him laugh in his delirium. Round and round and round….

‘Dominik?’ he heard a voice behind him call him name. He tried to turn but couldn’t remember how. His head was so heavy.

‘Dominik, how much have you had to drink?’ he noticed absent-mindedly that it was Aleks’s voice. He lifted his head up from where it was slumped on the sticky bar, trying to get a look at the blond boy. His brain felt like it was on fire. He couldn’t make out a face, just lines and colours.

He overhead a loud conversation between the boy and the bartender, but couldn’t decipher the words. He just wanted to lay his head down and sleep.

‘Dominik, did you take something? Dominik?’ Aleks sounded so far away. He smiled up at the boy.

‘I took everything,’ he slurred, his tongue feeling like a ten-pound weight in his mouth. He couldn’t hear Aleks’s response. Everything was dark and cold. He felt the carousel go round and round…

Dominik woke up in a white room, head dizzy and a horrible sickness in his stomach. He groaned in pain. His head was throbbing. He tried to move his arms but they felt like lead. There was a canula in his hand, connected to an IV drip. Hospital. God, he hated hospitals.

‘Oh good, you’re awake,’ a doctor said to his left. He closed his eyes. It was supposed to end last night. How the hell did he end up here?

‘You’re being kept under twenty-four hour suicide watch. You will be able to leave the hospital after three days, and only if we decide that you are no longer a threat to yourself or others,’ the doctor said, voice clinical and emotionless. Dominik just groaned in response.

‘Would you like to see your parents?’

‘No,’ he said quietly. The doctor nodded.

‘I’ll send in the nurse to check up on you soon. Get some rest.’

The doctor was almost at the door when Dominik called out.

‘Wait!’ he said, the doctor turning around and raising an eyebrow.

‘Who brought me in here?’

The doctor hesitated for a moment.

‘The bartender at the club realised you had overdosed and called an ambulance. You’re a very lucky kid, you know. Any later and we might have lost you.’

Yeah. Lucky. Dominik tried to remember the night before but the memories were disjointed and blurry. He could have sworn he heard Alek’s voice before he passed out… must have been the deadly cocktail of drugs in his system, making him imagine someone who cared enough to find him, to seek him out and make sure he was okay… he wished so desperately that it was true, but he knew it his heart that it wasn’t.


	8. Lung

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I'm sinking in the dark  
>  Can somebody pick me up? ___  
> — Lung by Vancouver Sleep Clinic

‘How the fuck does he do this,’ a voice muttered, sounding frustrated. Dominik felt icy fear grip him. It was Aleks’s voice.

‘Fuck, ow!’ Aleks hissed. Dominik couldn’t sit there silently any longer. He had a horrible feeling that he knew what Aleks was doing. He exited the stall and quietly locked the main door. He leaned against the sink opposite Aleks’s stall.

‘What the hell are you doing in there?’ Dominik demanded.

‘What the hell are _you_ doing here?’ Aleks retorted after a short pause.

‘Shouldn’t you still be in hospital?’ His voice sounded thick and choked, like he’d been crying. Dominik tried to control his temper before speaking next.

‘They discharged me,’ he said. No response. Dominik let out a frustrated sigh.

‘Are you going to come out and talk to me or not?’ Dominik could hear Aleks fumbling with his backpack before coming out of the stall. His eyes were red but betrayed no other emotion. He went to the sink and splashed cold water on his face. Dominik watched him with his arms folded across his chest.

‘I know what you were doing in there,’ he said. Aleks didn’t react.

‘If you’re trying to make me feel sorry for you, it’s not working,’ Dominik continued. Aleks just stared at his reflection in the mirror.

‘I wasn’t doing shit,’ Aleks spat. He glared at the other boy through the mirror. Dominik felt his anger flare up.

‘First, you cheat on me,’ Dominik put up a finger, listing the charges. ‘Then you watch while I get bullied by your so-called ‘friends’,’ he put up another finger.

‘Then, you lie to me.’ He held up three fingers on his hand before shoving it back into his pockets. Aleks looked away.

‘What I do with my life is none of your business,’ Aleks said, flat and dismissive. Dominik couldn’t take it. He wanted to wipe that fake bored expression off the other boy’s face.

Dominik grabbed him by the arm, eliciting a cry of pain from the blonde boy.

‘Get the fuck off me!’ Aleks cried, but Dominik refused to let go.

‘If you weren’t doing anything, why does it hurt when I touch your arm?’ Dominik said dangerously. Aleks’s façade was cracking.

‘Please-’ he begged. Dominik grabbed his shirt sleeve and pushed it up to his elbow. What he saw made his head swim. Bruises. Dark, purple bruises, some in the distinctive shape of fingers. He skin looked like a fucked-up watercolour painting of yellows, greens and blues.

Aleks quickly pulled his sleeve down and pushed himself away from Dominik.

‘You had no right to do that!’ he yelled, his eyes wet with fresh tears. Dominik couldn’t find his voice, didn’t know where to begin. ‘Who-’

‘Don’t ask me that,’ Aleks said, tears making angry streaks down his face.

Dominik took a cautious step towards him.

‘Who did this to you, Aleks?’ he said softly. Aleks wiped his sleeve across his face, but it didn’t help. He was a mess.

‘Please. Please-’ he said, begging. He looked like he was about to break. Dominik felt sick. He didn’t want this. With his cocky mask gone, Aleks looked as wrecked as Dominik felt. He reached out and tried to touch the blond boy but Aleks only backed away further.

‘If I tell you he’ll… he’ll…’ Aleks couldn’t get the sentence out, his voice constricted and pained. Dominik put two and two together.

‘He found out about us,’ Dominik said. It wasn’t a question, it was a statement. He already knew the answer, the nausea in his stomach only confirmed when Aleks gave a shaky nod.

Dominik felt his anger rise hot and stinging, a righteous anger he didn’t know he had. He tried to push it down, knowing it wouldn’t do any good right now. He reached out for Aleks again.

‘Please, just let me help you,’ he said. Aleks just looked at him, eyes exhausted and hopeless.

‘ _You help_ me? I guess the tables have really turned,’ he said, smile empty. 

‘What do you mean?’ Dominik asked. He felt off-balance all of a sudden.

‘You really don’t know, do you?’ he said. Dominik gritted his teeth.

‘I’m the one that found you that night. I’m the one who had enough brains to call an ambulance. That piece-of-shit bartender couldn’t care less if you were alive or dead,’ he said. Dominik felt like the breath had been knocked out of him.

‘I- I thought you were a hallucination,’ he said, looking at the boy with new eyes. Aleks just shook his head.

‘Surely I’m not that handsome,’ he said, a smile tugging on his lips. 

Dominik laughed a little at the absurdity of the situation.

‘Does that mean we’re even?’ Aleks asked.

Dominik stepped into his space, finding Alek’s hand and linking it with his own.

‘We’re both fucked up,’ he said. ‘Who else is going to take care of us?’ Aleks gave a small smile and leaned into a kiss, slow and deliberate. Dominik wiped the tears from his cheeks, looking up into his blue eyes. gripping him like he was the only thing keeping him from collapsing there and then. 


	9. Lie In The Sound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I love you more than I should  
>  So much more than is good for me _  
> — Lie In The Sound by Trespassers William__

A few weeks passed in relative peace. Aleks and Dominik met up between classes, stealing kisses wherever they could, trying their hardest not to get caught. Dominik gradually let his guard down, let Aleks see his real laugh, let him see how happy he was when they were together. Dominik got used to seeing that bright smile on the other boy's face. He drank it in like sunlight. Nothing could dampen his spirits when they talked; not even Sylwia and her incessant paranoia. He was logging into Suicide Room only about once a week now. He hadn't yet told Aleks about it but... he figured he didn't need to know. He'd only worry.

Semester was almost over, which meant that exams were just around the corner. Dominik was desperately trying to catch up on the content he missed earlier in the year. He sent a quick text to Aleks between Maths and Geography:

_class making me want 2 kms. how r u? cant stop thinking about what i want 2 do to u l8r. hope ur ready 4 sum action >;) see u soon xx_

He clicked send and steeled himself for another hour and a half of mindless revision.

Two hours had passed and he still hadn't received a reply. Dominik tried not to overthink it. Except that overthinking was one of his foremost talents. Maybe he was sick of him. Maybe this really was just a fun fling for Aleks. Was this the end of the line?

Dominik caught him between classes when the hallways were (mercifully) empty.

‘You get my texts?’

‘Left my phone at home today, sorry,’ Alex said.

‘I'll text you when I get home, promise,’ he said, sneaking a quick kiss. Dominik smiled.

‘I look forward to it.’

Dominik opened and closed his phone for the fifteenth time that evening. It was weird. Usually when Aleks says he'll do something, he actually does it. He was maddeningly reliable like that. Dominik absently flipped his phone open and close, debating whether to send another message. It was almost exam time, so there was a good chance Aleks was just busy studying and had forgotten to check his phone. There was also the chance that Dominik was annoying him. His brain liked to linger on the second option.

Fuck it, he thought, typing out a quick text.

_u ok? hope study isnt 2 boring. txt me when u can._

Instantly he got a response.

_This number has been disconnected and is no longer available._

Dominik stared at it. Disconnected. That couldn't be right. He double-checked the number. It was the same as always. He sent another text, just in case.

The response came back as promptly as before. _This number has been disconnected._

It didn't make any sense.

He tried calling; nothing.

He tried Dominik's Myspace; it was gone.

His mind was racing with possibilities, first of which was that he had finally had enough and never wanted to see Dominik again. But even if that was true, suddenly disconnecting his number seemed a bit extreme. And if he was really sick of him, what was that kiss about today? He had seemed fine, normal. Not like he was about to break up with him or go on the run and erase his entire digital existence.

Dominik didn't know what else to do, so he logged onto Suicide Room.

‘He hates you and never wants to speak with you again,’ Sylwia said. Dominik sighed. He should have expected this.

‘But don't you think it's strange? He didn't even say anything.’

‘This is him saying something,’ she responded, always an answer on the tip of her tongue. Dominik would love for her to be speechless just once.

‘It just seems extreme to me.’

‘I think it's a good thing. He was going to let you down at some point anyway. Better sooner rather than later.’

Dominik sunk into that feeling, rolled it around his tongue, tasted it and swallowed. A familiar disappointment.

He closed his laptop and stared at the ceiling.

His phone rung.

*Unknown number*

He picked it up, praying it was who he thought it was.

‘Aleks?’ He asked.

‘Yeah, it's me.’ Dominik had never been so glad to hear that voice.

‘I need to come over,’ Aleks said, voice low and strained.

‘I can meet you outside.’

‘Be there in ten.’ Aleks hung up.


	10. Escape Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I know something’s wrong, I’ve got a feeling that I can’t shake  
>  Wasting all my time just wishing that you could stay ___  
> — Escape Plan by Tigers Jaw

Dominik pulled his coat closer to him, standing in the chill air outside the playground. He hoped this is what Aleks meant when he said he needed to come over. This is where they always met. He checked his phone again. No new messages. His heart was beating thick in his ears, breathing short and cold against the midnight air. There was an acid in his stomach, the nausea of both excitement and fear. Something was wrong. He could tell the moment that unknown number came up on his screen.

He heard the sound of footsteps nearby. He looked up from his phone and saw Aleks coming slowly towards him. He felt better immediately, seeing him safe and okay. That is, until he moved into the light of the streetlamp. He had a split lip, a black eye and a horrible bruise spreading along his neck that seemed to form the shape of two hands, gripping. Dominik tried to remember how to breathe.

‘Jesus fuck,’ he said, quickly crossing the distance between them and pulling Aleks into a hug.

‘Ouch,’ Aleks hissed in pain. Dominik quickly stepped back.

‘Sorry, I didn't mean to make it worse,’ he said, staring with concern at the miserable sight before him. Aleks looked like he was trying to keep himself from crying.

‘I'm-’

‘If you say I'm fine I swear to God,’ Dominik interrupted. Aleks just dropped his gaze.

‘I'll be okay,’ he said softly, a dark resignation in his voice.

‘But... we can't see each other anymore,’ he said, still looking down. The nausea in Dominik's stomach made a reappearance.

‘I thought we were going to get through this together.’

Aleks just shook his head sadly.

‘Dad's sending me to boarding school. In America.’

Dominik couldn't arrange his thoughts in any kind of coherent order.

‘America. You're going to America,’ he said, numb. Aleks finally broke down, tears pouring over his cheeks.

‘He saw our texts,’ he choked out between sobs. ‘He went crazy, said I was deliberating disobeying him. There wasn't anything I could do.’

‘It's not your fault he's clinically insane,’ Dominik said, earning a weak smile from Aleks. He reached out and touched the other boy's cheek, frowning at the purple stain spreading angrily under the skin. He wiped away a tear with his thumb.

‘I'm leaving on Monday,’ Aleks whispered.

‘It feels like we only just got started,’ he continued, breath hitching. Dominik wanted to scream, wanted to punch something. Wanted to punch that piece of shit excuse for a father. But he held it in, pushed it down and tried to find some semblance of calm and rationality buried deep.

‘What if you just didn't go,’ he said.

‘Yeah, you try saying no to my father,’ he said, stepping back and wiping his nose on his sleeve.

‘No I mean... what if we ran away?’

Aleks stared at him incredulously.

‘Run away? Like _Bonnie and Clyde _run away?’ Dominik nodded.__

____

‘Uh... I don't think you've thought this through,’ he said, almost laughing.

____

‘I don't need to. We can get on a train, go anywhere, cross the border, change our names, forge new identities...’ Dominik got more excited as he spoke, imagining a whole new life, a world where they weren't bound by school or parents or societal norms.

____

Aleks just looked even more defeated.

____

‘It's a nice fantasy, Dominik. But that's all it is.’

____

‘You can't just give up! I won't let you!’ He started to pace, trying to get out his nervous energy. They could do it; run away. It wasn't impossible. Heaps of kids had done the same thing before them, and they were fine, right? It probably wasn't even that hard. They just needed to grab their stuff and find jobs somewhere else. He could be a barista, and Aleks could do something smart like bookkeeping at some cool firm.

____

‘I'm not giving up, I'm being realistic.’

____

Dominik deflated, thoughts of trains and new names dissolving in the light of Aleks's scold, empty gaze.

____

‘Okay,’ he said softly, stopping his pacing and collapsing on a piece of play equipment. Aleks joined him, sitting close enough for their shoulders to touch. Aleks reached out and took his hand.

____

‘We had a good run, yeah?’

____

Now Dominik was the one crying.

____

‘Yeah,’ he whispered.

____

‘Just... promise you won't forget me,’ he said, hating how small and insecure his voice sounded. Aleks just squeezed his hand tighter.

____

‘I could never.’

____

Dominik suddenly had a thought. he unwound his fingers from the other boy's hand and pulled off his black leather armbands, handing them to Aleks.

____

‘Keep these, to remember me by,’ he said, trying not to let himself completely fall apart. Aleks pulled his own off and took Dominik's arm, tying them around and leaning down to kiss the scars they covered.

____

‘I want you to be around when I get back,’ he said, a slightly fervent look in his eyes.

____

‘Yeah, of course,’ Dominik said quickly.

____

‘I mean it.’ Dominik looked away, feeling exposed under his intense gaze.

____

‘Okay, I promise,’ he said, twisting and fiddling with his new armbands.

____

‘And don't you go off doing anything stupid in the States,’ he said, a smile on his lips. Aleks laughed.

____

‘They are pretty barbaric over there, aren't they?’

____

Dominik laughed with him, enjoying the momentary feeling of lightness and normality.

____

‘Maybe I could write you letters?’ Dominik said hopefully. Aleks smiled.

____

‘God you're a dork.’

____

A moment of silence between them.

____

‘I should get back’, Aleks said. Dominik kissed him, breathless, desperate, one last time. Without looking back, he walked away, knowing that if he looked at Aleks's terrified, gorgeous face he wouldn't be able to leave. The tears came hot and heavy as a he walked, the night silent as the neighbourhood slept, unaware of the world ending under Dominik's feet.

____


	11. The Drug In Me Is You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _The drug in me is you  
>  And I'm so high on misery  
> Can't you see? _  
> — The Drug In Me Is You by Falling In Reverse__

It had been four years since Aleks had last seen Poland. He savoured its clean air and quiet streets; so different from loud, musty dorms at Yale. He fiddled absently with the leather armbands around his wrist. His parents were meant to be picking up from the airport. He looked through the sea of faces in the crowd but couldn’t spot them. Hopefully this was the last Christmas he would have to spend at home. Now that the degree they’d paid for was over, he felt that their obligations to one another were done. He’d graduated top of his class and already secured a intership at a firm he admired. His life could finally begin.

Across the room he saw his parents’ anxious faces, peering around to find him. He braced himself, sent up a quick silent prayer and called them over.

When he had endured as much fussing, gossiping and small talk as he could handle, Aleks made his excuses to his parents and slipped out, excited to meet up with some old friends from high school at the local trendy bar.

The crisp night air calmed him as he walked from his taxi to the bar, a pounding stereo beat emanating from its grotty entrance.

‘Ayyy Aleks!’ his friends called out gleefully as he entered the bar, all four of them squished around a tiny sticky table, all perched precariously on tall bar stools.

‘Hey losers!’ Aleks responded, happy to fall into old jokes and easy conversation with his old crew. He ordered another pint of beer and settled in for a night of reminiscing and catch-up.

Most had gone on to do exactly as he expected: Oxford, Cambridge, prestigious internships and all the usual excesses of the social elite. He tried to ignore his irritation at their smugness and barely-concealed boasting, but it was proving difficult. He quickly realised why he hadn’t stayed in touch with them. They were, in a word, insufferable. At least there was a live band coming up.

The bar was getting fuller by the minute; it seemed that this band had achieved some kind of local celebrity status. The room was seized by a feeling of heady anticipation. People began to gather around the front of the stage, eagerly waiting for the band to come out.

Aleks heard the crowd erupt into shouts and whoops as the much-awaited band took the stage.

‘Great, a bunch of fags,’ Jacob grumbled, taking a long swig of beer and pointedly ignoring the stage. Aleks tried not to react to the word. He hadn’t heard it in a long time. Its sting seemed to have sharpened over the years. He focused on his drink, not wanting to draw any attention to himself by looking up at the band. The room quieted as they began to play, heavy rock and bass filling the room. He considered leaving while everyone was distracted, a vaguely sick and anxious feeling pooling in his stomach. Maybe tonight was a bad idea.

He had almost figured out a polite way to exit when he heard the lead singer begin to sing. Emotion poured into every word, a husky yet perfectly in-tune voice filling the room and captivating every listening ear. He glanced up at the stage, entranced, and almost choked on his beer.

Dominik. Singing. Full eyeliner and tight black leather pants, a mesh crop top barely covering his stomach. He looked utterly _delicious._ Aleks couldn’t stop staring. All thoughts of nausea and leaving early had flown from his mind.

‘Let’s get out of here, this band is gay as shit,’ he heard one of his friends say. From the corner of his eye he saw them get up and leave, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away from the stage. Four years. That was the last time he’d seen him. _Kissed_ him. They hadn’t even been able to call or text for so long – his internet was cut off soon after Aleks left, and international calls were out of the question. Dominik’s voice was making him go crazy.

‘Aleks? You coming?’ Yakov asked. He looked up and realised he didn’t give a shit about these people.

‘Nah, you go on without me. I already called a taxi. Mum wants me home early,’ he lied. They didn’t look fazed. Good to know the bonds of friendship were as strong as ever.

‘Alright mate, see you later then.’

Free from distractions, Aleks turned his attention back to Dominik. He was half-singing half-screaming into the mic, hair flopping into his eyes and sweat glistening on every patch of skin he could see.

Aleks just watched, memories of the nights they spent together flashing through his mind. He tried to concentrate on anything but his tight, black pants. Aleks quickly pushed his way to the bathroom, needing a moment to breathe and collect himself. Outside, he heard the music die down. He looked at himself in the dirty mirror. He hoped Dominik still thought he was attractive. _God, listen to yourself,_ he thought. Their relationship had started and ended years ago. There was no way Dominik would be interested in him now. He probably had some cool rock-band boyfriend who never bullied him in high school. He felt the guilt come creeping back. He had buried those memories for a reason.

He took a few deep breaths and tried to steady himself on the bathroom sink. He squared his jaw and put on a neutral expression as he heard someone come in.

‘…Oh my god,’ came the voice behind him. Aleks spun around. Dominik. Fucking hell. He was even more attractive up close. All messy hair and dark eyes and a musky, delicious scent that was probably perfume. Of course he would pull that off, the wanker.

‘Aleks?’ he asked, breathless. From the singing, Aleks reminded himself.

‘Dominik,’ he said, not knowing what else to say. Dominik looked down at Alek’s arm.

‘You’re still wearing the armbands,’ he said. Aleks looked at his.

‘You are too.’

They stood there, not knowing what to say, but wanting to say everything. Aleks thought up 100 different conversation starters but they all died on his tongue.

‘You look hot,’ he said. God damn. He was about to go into law school and that was all he could come up with?

‘So do you,’ Dominik responded. He licked his lips. Aleks felt a shiver go through his body. Maybe words weren’t what they needed right now. Apparently Dominik had the same thought, because before he knew it they were backed into a stall, making out like teenagers, Dominik biting and sucking everything he could get a hold of, Aleks not even bothering to quieten his moans. He vaguely registered people coming in and leaving, but it didn’t matter. He could only think of Dominik, his skin, his smell, those infuriatingly sexy lip piercings, his hips and the way they ground out a deadly rhythm against his own. He could hear himself saying Dominik’s name over and over but he couldn’t stop, couldn’t think, all self-control gone. Dominik was panting in his ear, saying delicious things that Aleks’s brain could barely comprehend.

‘Uh, Dominik?’ someone’s voice rang out in the small bathroom. Dominik froze, hand down Alek’s pants.

‘Our second set is on now. So finish up… whatever it is you’re doing,’ the voice said. He heard the door close. Dominik removed his hand and Aleks cursed every single deity he could think of.

‘I have to go,’ he said, looking as pained as Aleks felt.

‘But I’ll be back straight after, and then maybe we can continue this… conversation back at my place,’ he said, voice husky and low. Aleks wanted to die in this moment.

‘Okay,’ he choked out, desperately hoping the second set only involved one or two songs. He wasn’t sure how long he could wait. Four years was surely enough.

Dominik kissed him quickly then slipped out. Aleks felt sorry for those leather pants. Hopefully no-one in the crowd noticed. The thought of everyone seeing what Aleks did to him… he tried to block that thought process before it went any further. Deep breaths. Think of class. Books. Boring stuff.

He walked back out into the crowd and watched Dominik perform. He felt like he was sixteen again, in love with the emo boy who made him smile like nobody else. Everything was thrown into sharp relief; the world taking on an intensity that he thought he’d lost these past few years. All those grey days of nothing but assignments and exams and meetings with professors were melting in the white-hot gaze of Dominik, fixing his stare on him as he sang a slower, more emotional tune. Aleks hung on every word, drinking it in, missing him more than ever. Why had he never tried to call? Never attempted to send a letter or find some other way to stay in touch? Maybe he was scared. Deep down, Aleks was always scared someone would find out, and he would lose everything. His reputation mattered now. God, he sounded like his father.

The thought left a bitter taste in his mouth and he felt the beginnings of a headache. He couldn’t do this. He had a life – a real one – back in America. He had the makings of a great lawyer. As long as he didn’t get involved in any scandals with an apparently quite famous singer. He had done a quick Wikipedia search earlier. Dominik was making quite a killing. It seemed that this pub visit was an outlier. Normally he played at sold-out venues, attracting thousands of teenage fans. This is exactly what he _didn’t_ need.

But then Dominik winked at him, and he knew it was all over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I was writing the band scene I was imagining Dominik singing the title song :) the recently released re-imagined version is so good too... definitely go listen if that's your kind of thing!


	12. All My Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Someone could waste their whole life, helplessly  
>  Just patiently waiting for a love like you and me _  
> — All My Heart by Sleeping With Sirens__

Later, when Aleks was lying in Dominik’s bed, a cigarette hanging lazily between his lips, he decided it was time to talk, properly.

‘I’m sorry I never called. Or wrote,’ he said awkwardly. Dominik didn’t really react, just shifted slightly, arm slung over Alek’s shoulder.

‘It’s okay,’ he said. Aleks wasn’t satisfied.

‘No, really, I should have done something.’

Dominik removed his arm and stared up at the ceiling.

‘It wasn’t your fault you had to move away,’ he said. From this angle Aleks could see his bare arms, littered with scars. Some deep and thick, others thin, like hairline cracks in porcelain. There was one he didn’t remember. Vertical. About three inches up from his wrist.

‘Were things ok? When I left?’ he asked, already knowing the answer. Dominik was silent.

‘You promised,’ Aleks whispered, not trusting his voice. Dominik looked over, eyes full of anger and hurt. And something else there, too. Betrayal. _He thinks I left him on purpose,_ he realised _._

 _‘_ I thought you’d come back,’ Dominik said. ‘I thought it was only temporary, like a scare tactic or something.’

‘Then one year went by, and still you weren’t here. Then another. Then another,’ he said, staring at the ceiling.

‘I thought you’d never come back,’ he said. Aleks felt all the guilt and hurt of the past rise up and choke him, his heart squeezing within his chest.

‘I couldn’t,’ he said. ‘I just couldn’t go back, Dominik.’

They lay there in strained silence, Aleks trying to think of something, anything that would make this better.

‘I’m here now aren’t I?’ he said hopefully. Dominik looked over and smiled, just a little.

‘Yeah, you are.’

‘Am I too late?’ Aleks asked. Dominik reached over and kissed him, soft and sweet.

‘Never,’ he said, and it was like the last four years had never happened.

‘Then let’s pick up where we left off, shall we?’ Aleks laughed, kissing Dominik breathlessly and feeling the tight knot of his stomach unwind.

‘You’ve got a lot of catching up to do,’ Dominik said with a wily grin. Aleks didn’t care. He could spend hours listening to him talk. He didn’t care if he had to hear about every show, every new friend, every high and heartache.

‘I’ve got all the time in the world,’ he said, letting the outside world of roles and responsibilities fade away in the arms of his first and only love.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading my fic! I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Let me know what you think in the comments ^-^


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